It is May and here we are 0 and 3 on the job hunt. Derek didn’t get a job that was made for him as far as location and connections, then he didn’t get a job with someone in the same “family” because he supposedly didn’t have the right ties to the area, and finally he lost out on the third job to a student manager. I felt as close to being clinically depressed as you can be without being diagnosed. For three years I have lived in limbo waiting for Derek to find that job that would give us security and give us a home. When he accepted the job at the University of Detroit he told me that this was just temporary, a small step back. He was determined to get back to the big leagues and I believed him. And for three years every spring, great jobs have been dangled in front of us promising us everything we ever wanted then yanked away at a moment’s notice. It is such a cruel tease – “Here is a job that will give you a home, financial security, and a great place to raise your children – Sounds great, doesn’t it? – Psyche – you can’t have it.” And what really pisses me off is that if you don’t find a job within that two month window you just have to accept the fact that you are stuck in your same situation for another year. It is not like any other employment where if you are unhappy you can leave and find another job no matter what month of the year it is. In coaching, if you don’t find a job in that two month window of opportunity you are screwed. This job was starting to take its toll on me. And the worst part about it is that I can’t do anything about it. I have no control. What can I do? Leave my husband? Take my children away from their father? No. I love my husband and my children but why do I have to be miserable in order to be with them? I was having a breakdown.
After I broke down, communication between Derek and I seemed to cease. I had to blame someone for my misery and he was the only available option. I didn’t want to speak to him. I didn’t want to touch him. I started questioning why he wasn’t getting any of these jobs. I know he is qualified so was he screwing up in the interviews? Am I putting my life and happiness into the hands of someone who can’t close the deal? Are we going to live like this forever? I understand that life is not easy but are we going to look back in twenty years and say we wasted our lives, our happiness, chasing a dream that never came true. Are the moves, the job changes, the isolation, the instability, and the insecurities going to be worth it? Do you ask someone to stop pursuing their passion when it starts to infringe on your happiness?
I know Derek felt terrible. I know he felt like a failure and I know I made him feel about the size of a pebble with all my comments. I know I hurt him. I had dreams too when I entered this marriage and I felt like he was not keeping up his end of the bargain. But, through this whole ordeal and throughout our entire marriage the one thing that never faltered was my respect for my husband. Sometimes love is not enough to keep a marriage together because I can tell you that there were times that I did not love my husband but trust and respect will get you through the tough times. Even though I said some nasty things to my husband I knew he was doing the best he could. I knew he was a hard worker and I knew he wanted the best for his family and I trusted that he would do whatever it takes to take care of his family. Marriage is work. I understand why so many people give up and head to divorce court. It takes strong people to weather the storms. I consider myself a strong person and I consider my husband a strong person and the thought of divorce never crossed my mind. I can’t speak for my husband though, I am sure there were times he was ready to throw me to the curb. Anything worth having is worth fighting for and I knew my family and my marriage were definitely worth it. So, after about a month of walking on egg shells and a good deal of late night talks we finally settled back into a familiar routine. The burn of losing out on those jobs slowly subsided and our lives seemed to be back on track. It still didn’t mean I was happy about having to stay in our situation another year but there was nothing I could do about it. I had to make the best of it.